He, She and They. Getting comfortable with new pronouns
I’m guessing by now everyone knows someone or has at least seen reference to someone changing their pronouns. It could be because they have come out as transgender and want to be called by the pronouns that best align with their gender or someone who has come out as nonbinary. Nonbinary may be the hardest to understand for some people. Nonbinary means the person doesn’t feel aligned with either male or female genders or they may feel aligned with both-it really is up to the person identifying to define themselves. They may be femme presenting or masculine presenting and still prefer nonbinary pronouns of they and them-even though to you, they seem to be aligning with one gender expression over another. It’s ok if you don’t fully understand. I loved how Busy Phillips explained to her mother about her nonbinary daughter. We don’t have to fully understand something to respect it. Acknowledging the importance of respecting a person’s basic right to define themselves how THEY see fit is really just that-a basic human right. Instead of just male and female, think of gender along a spectrum with male and female at opposite ends. There exists a lot of room for what lies between and even beyond the binary.
It’s human to what to categorize people or make them fit in the boxes or “schemas” we already have outlined in our brains. These mental and cognitive shortcuts help us feel safe and comfortable as we make sense of the world. Having gender and sex schemas downloaded to our brains-thanks to lots of gender stereotypes thrown at us since birth-have no doubt influenced the way relate with others. Some of the new ways people are defining themselves and shattering these gender and sex stereotypes and schemas from the past can be uncomfortable or exciting, depending on your perspective. What we know is society changes. Humans are constantly seeking new and authentic ways to define and express themselves. You can fight change or go with it. Which one do you think provides more mental wellbeing? One of my favorite bloggers, The Bloggess, writes about how this change in pronouns has been a bit difficult for her. The biggest take away from all of it is-just be respectful. If you don’t know, ask-but don’t be a jerk about. Asking about someone’s pronouns or how they want to be addressed is respectful, asking about someone’s surgery or sexual intimacies is tacky, disrespectful and could even be harmful. If you are curious something but don’t want to ask, the internet is your friend. Chances are if you are wondering it, someone else has too and there’s information and support online.
As a therapist, look for additional trainings and ways to support transgender and nonbinary people. Put your pronouns in your bio and online so clients will know and you normalize asking and acknowledging ways of self-identifying. Know the research like that of The Trevor Project. Their 2020 National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health found that youth who reported having their pronouns respected by all or most of the people in the lives attempted suicide at half the rate of those who did not have their pronouns respected (The Trevor Project, 2020).
We can all allow people space and grace as they practice and learn. Much of it is new for many people. It can take time and unintentional mess ups are to be expected. As long as you are coming from a place of respect and understanding, you can’t go wrong. Here’s a handy dandy resource guide to gender identity terms from NPR for further reading.
My pronouns are she/her/hers.
